hmmmm

i am walking dogs and getting paid and totally loving life.

Was I this crazy when I was super crazy? Does it count that I understood that I was nuts and appologized for it constantly?

He's acting out of his mind... and fluctuates between denying this craziness entirely and blaming it on me. I KNOW that I am being reasonable and understanding... I have understanding coming out of my ears. And I do not know what else to do. I CANNOT do anything right with him.

I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling like I'm screwing up. I don't know what to do.

I fucking hate the army.

sometimes you think you're totally rid of being fucked up.. only to realize that your head is more fucked up than you could have even imagined.

and it's a stange sort of heartache
maybe growing pains
maybe a desperate attempt
to escape
the feeling of drowning

and i've heard said
if you teach'em while they are young
they'll return once they grow

and i wonder
does this mean that i'm destined to a life filled with guilt
unless i accept
what i've...


always known.




and it's a stange sort of heartache
maybe growing pains
maybe a desperate attempt
to escape
the feeling of drowning

drowning

"I'm either so sick in the head
I need to be bled dry to quit..
Or I just
Really used to love him
I sure
Hope that's it."




--Fiona Apple

"I feel, therefore I can be free" --Audre Lorde.

forgive me world, for i have sinned...

i was dragged into Abercrombie.

i wandered into an area with lots of sales.

the next thing i know im being let into a dressing room by some abnormally tan girl with perfect skin and creepily straight hair.

and $115 later... i am an owner of clothes from abercrombie and fitch. 2 skirts, 2 shirts, and a pair of pants. i need to take a shower. but they're sooo cute!... ahh NO NO THEY'RE NOT!!!

today abercrombie. tomorrow heroin, you just wait.

i officially am without scruples.

I can't believe I went home and walked in on my roomate and my mom having wild panda bear sex. They didn't even SEE me until I started yelling and crying. If its going to be like this all summer, I swear I'll go back to starring in porn - at least I was getting some REAL attention, then. Some people have NO respect. It's not like I haven't had both of them at the same time. I mean, they didn't even invite me. I'm so mad I could punch myself in the face.

unreasonably non-productive. i think i started to enjoy watching the simple life. i've consumed a giant amount of aweful leftover chinese food.

i;ve stopped giving a shit about finals.

i'm sick of summer..being in MA.. and the actual summer hasn't even started. i also don't want to be in school anymore. and i'm not looking forward to next year. this doesn't leave a lot to work with.

at least i'm upbeat.

dammit.

www.gunthernet.com


go to "videos" watch them all. and be ridiculously amused. i'm trying to figure out it this is for real. it's from sweden or something. i feel like it just can't be serious but i can't tell. either way, i heart gunther, his little mustache, and his mullet.

im really craving a fat sandwich.

INFJ - the counselor You scored 18% I to E, 15% N to S, 42% F to T, and 36% J to P!

Your type is best summed up by the word "counselor", which belongs to the larger group of idealists. Only 2% of the population share your type. You are so empathic that you often know what others need before they know themselves. You are a complex person who can deal with complicated issues and people, almost prefer to, as you love problem solving. You can be something of an idealist or perfectionist, and should try to take yourself a little less seriously. You are a supportive and insightful romantic partner, encouraging your mate to have dreams and work hard to make those dreams come true. Because you are so creative, you have a wealth of ideas to help them toward those goals. You need harmony so much that you are driven to resolve conflict quickly, as long as the terms don't violate your ethics. You feel the most appreciated when your partner admires your creativity, trusts your inspirations, and respects your values. It is also vitally important that your partner be open and emotionally available - in other words, that they be willing to share themselves completely. Your group summary: idealists (NF) Your type summary: INFJ

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 25% on I to E You scored higher than 10% on N to S You scored higher than 41% on F to T You scored higher than 27% on J to P

Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

i have managed to blow through a significant amount of money that i had set aside for this semester (but had not spent for a variety of reasons).... and i am completely okay with that. i'm less okay that my last exam grades sucked ass.... and that i have not started a paper due this evening....and i have missed the last four human sexuality classes....BUT on the other hand the class missing, the paper irreponsiblity and the depletion in funds is becuase of seeing zach down in north carolina for 11 days out of the last thirteen.... two weeks ago: thurs-monday and then i left again last thursday and just walked in my door. and it was completely worth it...and wonderful. he flew me down there the first time and when i realized that i literally take 95 the ENIRE way there....i could not pass up a weekend where he had friday (and additionally adding on monday) off (but they weren't allowed to go more than 50 miles off the base so there was no way he could leave... another reason why i love the army. right.)

the first trip was a lot more tense...mostly not seeing eachtoher since january and both going through a lot of shit in between made it necessary to readjust to eachother and work out some things...and then this weekend was not only longer but better becuase we had already gone through any working out of things and could just relax and really enjoy eachother's comany the enire time. (the fact that one of us was ill both times i was there luckily did not hinder our happiness of being together).

leaving wasn't even that bad either. it sucked a lot, but it's not the end of the world...and totally worth it.

also, saw into the wild, the new disney movie, and laughed my ass off. i swear i have not laughed that hard in a very long time... go see it. rented prozac nation...i am definitely a fan. i thought it was ridiculous though, to to falsely market the story in a way that revolved around sex appeal. but that's fine. anyways, it was a very...relevant...movie.

and now with 5 hours of sleep in me and having been up since 4 a.m. and just driving for over 9 hours, i will attempt to write a bous 7 page paper for this intro history class. blegh.

some people make sure saints get out of the rain and are dried off.

and listen to you cry your eyes out while simultaneously not judging you, while still being totally honest and real....and somewhow you feel better.

and play really fucking pretty songs on an acoustic guitar that they wrote and i love even more than boyswithacousticguitars.

some people just fucking get it.

and i heart them tremendously.

and becuase i was apparantly crazy for not seeing it earlier...i rented the first few episodes of The L Word ....and am most definitely completely obsessed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


i've been thinking about hope. it is always thought of this wonderful thing...but i feel like it should only be the "umph" ...not what is sustaining. i think it's possible to get hooked on hope to the point of not living in and enjoying the now. it's always....well i will do this this and this and run myself ragged so that eventually at some far off time i will attain this perfect thing. but i feel like the perfect thing either never comes, comes when pple are too old to enjoy it, or it is attained and enjoyed for about thirty seconds and then the focus is on the next thing to work on..... to hope for so that even though right now isn't good...it's okay becuase of the hope for the future to be better.

i will admit...there are times when this sort of hope is necessary and it is this hope alone that one can hold onto when everything else seems to have fallen away.

but at some point...i feel that there should be less hoping..and more doing...more enjoying right now rather than expecting that this many degrees, that amount of money, or whatever is going to make things better. when i was thinking recently about my perfect future...if i could have anything in the world, what would make me happiest. and i want to live out in the mountains somewhere in colorado in a house right next to a lake, with zach and a couple of dogs...and own a coffee shop or something ...teach religion at some catholic school or something. that's it. now granted i am all about being Dr Jabbour at some point and soaking up as much knowledge about religion and other things as i can...and doing whatever i can with that, etc... but that's not what i see as making me happy... content.

at what point does all of the studying of religion get in the way of... experiencing it.

i do not think that all things can be understood intellectually... i dont think that any amount of understanding about the human brain or philisophical formulas can or should explain some things. i believe that those things are important...but that there is so much more. i have tried to explain that other "knowing" that's not purely facts or repeatable knowledge.... and understanding with ones "heart-mind" is the only phrase that sort of makes sense. it is experiencial knowledge...the kind that moves your heart and changes your soul...the kind that jumps out amd makes sense when reading crazy writings of mystics and such..and that can never be evaluated by "intellectuals" ... i am all about academic knowledge. i think i just forget sometimes that i don't think that it is the most important kind...nor is it the most difficult to cultivate in one's self.

slipping.















What Planet Are You From?


this quiz was made by The Autist Formerly Known As Tim

i think im moving in the right direction.
moving means changing and changing is scary.
but it also feels really... relieving.
hopefull i'll keep moving and moving in the right direction... a direction more towards me.

two something in the morning.

in regard to my last entry, i was also thinking about the fact that im pretty much crazy as a bedbug right now and an utter pain in the ass to anyone who spends more than a miniscule of time with me. SO that being said.... i just think that everyone has issues and shit that come up and they deal with and some shit takes longer to deal with than others. so, we'll just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

"Don't belive him when he tells you it smells like roses, when it's SUPPOSED to smell like pussy... why are they trying to make it smell like a bathroom cleaner??...all those douche sprays: floral, berry, rain. i dont WANT my pussy to smell like rain...all cleaned up like washing a fish AFTER you've cooked it. i wanna TASTE the fish. THATS WHY I ORDERED IT " (From "my angry vagina"}...that's not supposed to be profound, i just find it more amusing every time i hear it. theres another part about thong underwear that has caused me to truly admit the discomfort and ridiculousness of them. I was wearing one during rehersal and it felt sacreligeous. I shoooould wear one for the performance...but things might just need to be breezy instead.

opening night for the Vagina Monolouges is tomorrow at eight. I could not be more excited. I'm the kind of excited that you get on christmas eve... hopefully i will get some amount of sleep. I hope a lot of pple come. not only becuase it's sweet to perform anything for a big crowd, but becuase this show is SO much more than just a show. the last time i was on stage was when i was Cinderella's wicked step mother. Fun, definitely, but no big important message it hink other than...it's important to be a nice girl with no perverbial balls and wait for some ridiculous guy on a horse to come sweep you away becuase of your dainty little feet. THIS show, however, is something i really and truly believe in and believe everyone male and female...over a certain age..should see and will be better off for seeing it... no, for EXPERIENCING it. "My vagina. My vagina. Me." (from, "the vagina workshop")

i think one of the best decisions for the night before the show was.... eating ramen noodles and a half a thing of peach rings. my stomach feels so gross. i don't know why i've been eating such shit lately. the other night i decided at about 3 that i wanted a fat sandwich and ate it at 4 and went RIGHT to sleep. awesome. i was all pms'y last week and the only food that literally wouldnt make me gag was things that were either greasy or sugary. now i don't feel that way..i just havent gotten back into the not eating crap mode.

the other issue.. my drugs make me not hungry. they're additionally used to help pple stop smoking, curb cocaine cravings, and cause weight loss. It inhibits cravings, which is annoying as hell. since i started being concious of what i ate, and only eating when i was hungry...sometime over the summer, i lost weight healthily and things were fine. Now, i'm still in that mode but since i don't feel "cravings" for food... i don't realize im hungry until i have overwhelming hideous hunger pains...hence suddenly needing to eat a fat sandwich in the middle of the night, or a lot of crap food (cos it's all i had in my room late at night). So, there's my rant about the drugs. i dont think they should be used for weight loss becuase by the time you know you're hungry you are RAVENOUS and want to eat everything in sight. this is not the way for someone to lose weight and is totally horrible to one's metabolism.

they may, however, be helping out a little in the areas that i want them to. and that... is a good thing.

okay so maybe i'll keep this thing around a little longer.

what's happend since...whenever i deleted it? ...the vagina monologues are kicking ass and i could not be more thrilled with them.

thing's are not necissarily changing for the better as far as actual circumstances in my life...but i feel like i'm understanding them a hell of a lot more....and in some ways making changes.

i have only sold one chocolate vagina. and it was to myself.

i will not be in the global village next year cos kuhar and i didn't get in. what the crap is that.

i'm 21. nuff said.

i've re-aquired my index finger's blister becuase i've started messing with my guitar again.

no longer a poli sci major...dropped the seminar...now i'll be a relig major and poli sci minor... my classes are mostly lower level classes this semester to finish up douglass requirements...but they're such a pain in the ass becuase there is no analysis or actual thinking...it's just a lot of staright memorization which i have not done in awhile...but...it's okay.

i've become a little infatuated with a dead philosophers.

zach's gone with no ability to call, email, or write, for another few weeks. and it sucks ass.

i've officially decided to get rid of the nip ring becuase in all honestly, it's just an annoyance more than anything else.

i took this quiz and feel like it's eerily accurate.

the end.

the Romantic Test finished!

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR. "I am unique" Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive. How to Get Along with Me Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me. Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself. Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision. Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little. Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting! What I Like About Being a Four my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level my ability to establish warm connections with people admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor being unique and being seen as unique by others having aesthetic sensibilities being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me What's Hard About Being a Four experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved feeling guilty when I disappoint people feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me expecting too much from myself and life fearing being abandoned obsessing over resentments longing for what I don't have Fours as Children Often have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s are very sensitive feel that they don't fit in believe they are missing something that other people have attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc. become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce) Fours as Parents help their children become who they really are support their children's creativity and originality are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings are sometimes overly critical or overly protective are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele The Enneagram Made Easy Discover the 9 Types of People HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages You liked the test? so please RATE it :-) You are not completely happy with the result?! You chose BY Would you rather have chosen: AY (EIGHT) CY (SIX) BX (NINE) BZ (FIVE)

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 26% on ABC You scored higher than 58% on XYZ

Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

I've been thinking more about my monologue..and the whole anger situation. I actually started looking up more information about what my monologue was based off of. During the Bosnian 20-70 thousand women and girls were brought to camps and systematically raped as a tactic of war. AS A TACTIC OF WAR. what the hell is that about. there's no question there. rape is always awful, but here there can be no explanation (NOT justification) of alcohol/substance abuse, or anything else. no one time craziness. it was an order. Rape has long been a "part" of war... i mean i guess obviously that's where the term "rape and pillage" comes from. but i just can't imagine it. i personally feel that sex is the greatest expression of intimacy. it is complete trust and love to the point of completely giving yourself to someone else and them to you. it's really sacred. it's the most personal, sexual, and intimate part of your being. and to invade that. to go there without being asked, not not even asked..invited. i think i'd rather be murdered. i've thought about that a lot lately. i think being raped would be the worst thing. worse than death. it's completely perverting the most sacred of human acts. it's taking this beautiful expression and turning it into the most soul removing act. it's not just being beaten, becuase that's clearly awful...no one (for the most part) associates that with overflowing love and devotion....there's no ambiguity of what that act is supposed to symbolize. sex on the other hand requires the most physical trust, the most intimate connection..... for it to be in any way associated with violence is completely nauseating. and for it to be systematic ... is even worse.


so people have been telling me to think of someone i really hate, or some time that i've been really angry... but i really haven't. i've been hurt, bothered, pissed off, and offended. and i've realized...this, this woman's story, makes me angry. it makes me more angry than just about anything. there is no justification. this is not an issue of ego or pride. this is the physical act of removing someones soul. and since it didnt happen to me thank God, i can be very empathetic...but not completely understand...i can't feel the TRUE sadness of an individual who went through this...but the anger, the anger can be pure. some people who've endured this, do not talk, becuase she(or he) can't talk...becuase the pain is too much to express their anger..becuase the sadness is too much. i don't have that obstacle. i've for some reason dispelled this despairing feeling...and can now go straight to the anger.

i did absolutely nothing productive yesterday...and it was glorious.


i went to my western relig class and was a pain in the ass for those 3 hours..i am gathering anger towards that professor's stupidity.

then i was reading and stuff in the dcc and came across josh cabrera...and the rest of my day was shot. but it was very nice...AND we got to see Dr Ruth...old german lady who talks about sex. wonderful....and despite that complete lack of productivity, i was completely happy. AND i went to my yoga class...and this morning blasted "beck" while in the shower. =)

As far as more anger, it's like the gods of anger are smiling down on me...or furrowing their brows as the case may be... SO

today in Vietnam Legacy class, the second hour and a half we were visited by an army guy who just got back in november from 13 months in iraq. Following his presentation, we got to ask questions which was really interesting and very informative...

Unfortunately there's this guy in the class who didn't shut up in my Defense Policy class last semester and has shown up again in this class, with diarrhea of the mouth. He was asking really obnoxious questions that usually began with "other people don't understand.." "i have realized but many dont..."
so fine, we all know he likes to hear himself talk, is completely self involved, and unaware of anything other than "america is better than anyone else and anyplace else and im white and male and should rule the world". fine.

but THEN he decides to say to the soldier " I don't like to be politically correct, so im just going to say this ... those people [Iraqis] are LAZY and INCAPABLE...when are they going to get it together and be able to just take care of themselves"

(to which the soldier replied that those iraqis that are in support of the US's aid and are forming military groups over there...are at risk of having their families kidnapped and murdered...so some hesitancy is understandable.)

but WHAT AN ASSHOLE. i couldn't believe it.i was so shocked that someone could be that arrogant....so

after class i walked up to this student and thanked him for his questions and comments but said

"I just want to make the suggestion that you should figure out the difference between being politically incorrect and being an IGNORANT JACKASS... just a thought" he just sat there looking at me a little dumbfounded and sort of said a meek "thank you?"...so i told him i was just trying to help and left.

I walked out of Van Dyke feeling terrible that i had actively sought out being mean to someone. and then i decided, no...he needed to know that what he said was completely not okay. he should be able to express concerns without directly insulting the people of an entire country. so yes.. i was really angry...and i really felt the need to act upon that. and you know what.. maybe he'll be less likely to say something completely asinine next time.

and becuase of course i am not smooth at all... when i got off the bus, following this event...i realized that the button on my shirt directly over the full cleavage area was open...and i seriously hope it was not while i was trying to be all badass...becuase i feel like that would have taken away from the message i was trying to get across. but thats fine.

tonight i have to go to a hearing becuase andrea and i got and alcohol citation for having 2 bottles of beer in our fridge...which they found becouase they went into our room and looked in our fridge during winter break. so that's dumb.